


hold on to these words

by Walker_August



Category: Prospect (2018)
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24763696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Walker_August/pseuds/Walker_August
Summary: So when sleep just won’t come, and you’ve got no occupation but nibbling at the fruit of the melancholy tree, hold on to these words, hold on to me’ (I can’t think of a better way to sum this up than these beautiful Jason Webley lyrics. This fic was fuelled by exhaustion and listening to Again the Night on repeat)
Relationships: Ezra (Prospect 2018)/Reader
Comments: 10
Kudos: 16





	hold on to these words

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty personal and self-indulgent, but I thought I’d share it here for anyone else who might want to read it. I also haven’t really edited this, so I apologise for mistakes.

It takes weeks for Ezra to convince her to spend the night, all but begging on his knees for her to stay til sunrise at least so they can enjoy each others company for more than a few hours. Perhaps she does not realise how taken he is with her, how she makes his heart beat louder with every moment of her presence. Ezra is dizzy with adoration; faltering in his speech every time she smiles, knots in his stomach every time she deigns him with a kiss.

And yet even when she does agree to his pleas, letting him wrap around her on the bed that knows all of their sins, she hesitates when he offers her the warmth of his chest to lay her head upon. The beat of his heart echoes in her ears and something in her eyes tells him she is wary of his care. He asks her what she needs, a simple question made grand in his usual purple prose, but she simply kisses his wrist where his hand strokes her cheek and tells him she has everything she needs here. She does mean it, doesn’t she?

Ezra falls quickly to sleep, more so than usual, holding her to him in a way that comforts him so deeply – she makes him feel complete, somehow, and all he wants is to return the favour but she always holds back. She keeps part of herself secret, it took some time to figure that out but when he did it was so obvious to him he felt foolish for taking so long to realise. One day he’ll know the words to tell her it’s okay, but for now she stays with him and that is enough.

He sleeps so deeply, his body curved around hers. He sleeps and there’s a gentle snore coming from him that she listens to, finds comfort for a moment in it. She always presumed he would talk in his sleep, continuing the ceaseless ramble of delicate words that left his mouth at every moment. His ardent locution was the reason she became besotted with him in the first place, but the peaceful sound of his breath in the deep of night is even better. And everything feels fine, for once, until it isn’t. Until the room is pitch black and everything is still and she lays awake as the familiar ache starts again in her chest.

Ezra stirs when the warmth is gone, as soon as his unconscious mind notices the cold bed he’s jolting awake with bleary eyes and a disappointment heart. He doesn’t blame her for leaving if she felt he asked for too much, he wants her to be comfortable. But he thought their relationship had finally progressed and now he is deflated from his misunderstanding. For months they have been fiery and wild with each other but he truly believed they had both agreed they wanted more than that. 

Turning to the side, he sees a dull light and blinks to dilute the sleep in his eyes. He feels his entire soul rise in relief when he notices her face illuminated by the communications pad in her hands, where she sits on the stool besides the window. For a moment he doesn’t move, but she lets out a sound so forlorn his heart lurches and he has to follow it towards her. Twisting in her seat at the sound of movement, she watches him come close with weary eyes and a forced smile.

“Sorry” she whispers “didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep”

He spy's of the pad that it’s 4am, soon the sun will be in the sky again. He knows at once she hasn’t slept, her tearful eyes give the game away.

“Sweet stardust, there is no need for your penitence” he responds, the term of endearment eliciting the smallest of smile – but true this time.

He kneels besides her, the cool hard floor unpleasant again his bare knees but nothing akin to the heartache at seeing her like this. Tentative, Ezra reaches for her and when she doesn’t shy away let’s his hand fall on the bare, warm skin of her thigh. A gentle squeeze. They sit like that it silence before she puts down the pad and joins him on the floor, back resting against the wall and pulling him close to her side so she can speak quiet.  
“I’m sorry” she repeats, and he shakes his head again but doesn’t say a word. She continues quietly, lacing her fingers with his. “My heart is full with love for you, Ezra, but my head is...my mind is a playground for thoughts that stain and mar everything. They come out at night, so I don’t sleep much. They come out at night and they ruin everything. I don’t want them to ruin us”

She turns her head and buries it against his shoulder, wetting the fabric of his t-shirt with fresh tears.

“I don’t want them to ruin us” she repeats, voice muffled against him “so I didn’t stay, but I wanted to and I still want to. But Ezra, I can’t burden you with me. I’m...I’m broken. I can’t make you take on my broken mind and my empty soul because you’ll always have to help me more than I ever had to help you. And I know you’ll say you don’t mind, but one day you’ll resent me for not being complete”.

Ezra feels a shattering at her words, a sorrow that he hadn’t realised what caused her to keep herself from opening up to him as he had to her. Her pain rips through him and he wants to stop it from hurting her ever again. She is the sweetest stardust in this and every galaxy to him, but vicious words swim in her mind and tell her she is too much of a burden for anyone else to carry. He hates it, lets out a ragged breath and feels a wrath at the thing that makes her feel this way.

Sobbing, she holds on to him and apologises again and again, her hand twisting the fabric on his other shoulder – the one that no longer has a limb attached.

“Perhaps we are both incomplete, and this is why we chanced upon one another? Perchance it was so we could put together each others fragmented pieces with parts of our own? When we made acquaintance I was a wretched man, mourning a loss that made me feel no longer whole. You taught me how to exist again. I still carry that weight, but you took some of it for me and made something exquisite from it. Likewise while I cannot completely relieve you of your encumbrance, but I can seek to lessen the load and I will. It is the very least I can do.”

She lifts her head, finally, and though her tears still run the smile on her face in sincere and the light in her eyes reflects the love in his. He has never been more sure that they were meant to find each other than right now, each going through a form of hell to find some solace in the others embrace. 

“Thank you, Ezra. Thank you” she mutters, clinging to him. She is certain she will still feel scared, alone, unsure – that might be her lot in life, but knowing now that he won’t turn away from her pain makes the sting a little less unbearable.

“I love you, stardust” Ezra finally says, weeks later than he had planned but it’s right and real.

When the sun rises they choose to ignore the morning duties for once, climbing back in to the soft bed. He keeps her close to chase the thoughts away as she sleeps in his arms for the very first time, and surely not the last.


End file.
